It was raining outside. I think it had just gone past 1am, maybe a bit beyond that. The storm was quite loud against our bedroom window. The news said it would be the worst in 5 years. I heard a lorry go past on the main road.
Are you asleep? You asked.
I wasn’t.
I didn’t say anything and you turned to face me. You hooked your leg over mine. It was hot under our duvet.
Are you thinking about work? You asked.
I felt bad for waking you up. I must have moved and nudged you. You were a light sleeper.
Orange light from the streetlamps came through a slit in our curtains and lit up your face. I stared up at the ceiling. There was a cobweb in the corner.
Another lorry went past, maybe the night bus.
I wondered where the spider was. Did they ever sleep in their webs?
Our alarm was set for 6am. We’d snooze until 6.05, and then we’d make coffee.
I was tired but every time I closed my eyes, I wanted to open them again. I kept looking at the cobweb. It was moving somehow, ever so slightly. There must be a draught somewhere, I thought. Something imperceptible.
You pulled yourself closer and kissed my cheek.
Try to drift off, you whispered.
I could tell you were awake too, that you weren’t just half-asleep. I could tell you sounded worried and that you thought I was worried too.
Poor boy, you said. Everything will be alright. It will all be fine in the end.
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say.
You rolled back over to your side of the bed. I listened as you fell back asleep. Your breathing became heaving and regular. I wanted to reach out and touch the back of your head. I didn’t.
I wanted to tell you I wasn’t thinking about work, but I couldn’t. I was thinking about being ten years old again. I was thinking about when Derek Carr snapped my Star Wars pencil and I cracked him right in the jaw. Bang. He hit the ground like something from a Rocky Balboa movie, almost like it was in slow motion, and it was years before anybody ever fucked with me again. They all thought I was a hard man. It was the proudest I have ever been in my life.
I decided to tell you.
Cara, I said. My voice sounded lonely in the dark.
Yes? You asked.
I realised you wouldn’t understand. It doesn’t matter, I said.
Are you sure? You asked.
Yes, I said. It’s ok.
I noticed I was smiling. It had just gone past 1am and I was smiling in the dark.
I love you, you said.
I love you too, I replied.
The rain was getting worse outside. It sounded angrier and angrier.
